Interview with a Vamp - Hire?

I am rarely seen as invisible. I am undeniably corporeal. I have flesh (rather more so than I would wish) and bone (big – honest). I know my place in the world as a woman of substance. I may not want people to note the precise dimensions of that space (for fear of accusations of expansionist tendencies). However, I do wish them to be aware of the broad outline of my boundaries. It saves unfortunate border disputes.

So, it's generally not a good idea to act as if I'm not there.

Especially when I'm interviewing. Yes, you know who you were. The one who sat plumb in front of me. Me, the one in between the two men. The two quite-good-looking-I'll admit-if-pushed way. I'm the one who watched as you made goo-goo eyes at them, hinting at a future of untold sensual promise and Christmas party gropes.

We engage in anodyne interview chat. Questions are asked about team working, about deadlines, about your experience in the field, about qualifications. We smile, we nod, we write notes. It's all very polite.

I watch as you answer my questions by looking at them. I ask you the usual range of managerial nonsense. You answer well enough.

But what I really want to ask is:

• Do you feel that showing your stocking tops when you cross your legs demonstrates your background in office administration?

I only ask because it is an essential qualification for the role we envisage in the office. Especially the ones that involve standing on a little ladder, reaching up to the top shelf. It may be stretching your talents, but I'm sure there would be support offered for further development.

• Do you think that chest overspill from foundation garments has provided valuable experience in influencing and persuading senior staff?

I only wonder because it's influencing the one to my left and the one to my right. Quite what to do I dare not contemplate. But they are undoubtedly firmly held in your thrall. Unlike your chest.

• Do you believe that the coquettish hair toss and the suspiciously lascivious lip licking show highlight your ability to multi task?

I wonder about this, because it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Left hand man squirms in his chair. I feel sorry for him. He is caught in your gaze. You haven't looked at me, so I am immune to your charms. And your limited talents.

• Do you think that playing coyly with one button of your blouse highlights your experience in analysing data?

I assume so, because the other two are keen on the way you use your statistical evidence.

In our post interview chat, there is one firm favourite. Very firm. They are impressed by your qualifications, your aptitude, your answers. I wonder if I was in the same interview. You had shown me so little. Nothing to get my teeth into.